As I was sitting here thinking of what topic I can write about I came across this note that I wrote right after my Double Mastectomy In 2021. I feel it is powerful and vulnerable and may help some of you feeling the same thing so I wanted to share.
Dear Cancer,
You will not define me, you will not take away my identity nor will you strip me of my beauty inside or out. I may not feel strong in the moment,as chemo feels like it is crumbling every cell in my body, but I promise I am stronger than the chemo and I will come back more powerful than ever!
I know I will never be the same person as I was prior to my diagnosis but I am on the right track to becoming a new woman.... full of Grace, Strength, Faith and with an even more powerful sense of Vitality. Cancer may have taken away part of my “go with the flow” mentality, urging me to now think before I put any food in my mouth, drink that glass of wine, or breath in any air. No longer will I be able to just feel free in the moment and do as I please since Cancer now labels my body as “Fragile” but I am not going down without a fight! You unleashed a beast in me, a beast who will always be on the hunt. From foods to people, I will remove negativity piece by piece in the hopes to live freely with positivity and with grace. However, with that said now that I have been gifted Cancer, a large part of me has been taken away. No longer can I look at my body without seeing the cancer, the scars and the implants I never wanted. No longer can I take for granted that I will be here to see all my children’s future milestones. No longer can I assume that I will grow old with my High school sweetheart. No longer can I just BE without overthinking every damn decision as Cancer is in the back of my mind every single day! Even though my friends and family may physically see me as my normal self on the outside, I will never be the same on the inside. NEVER!!! I will always be labeled a Cancer Patient.
To some that would be debilitating but for me Cancer has forced me to grow bigger than I ever thought possible! So even though Cancer is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, I choose to find the silver lining and feel Cancer is also the best thing to happen to me. I have been gifted this for a reason. Maybe my reason is to become a stronger, healthier, more authentic version of myself, or maybe it is simply to inspire others..... Either way Cancer is the catalyst for the Woman I will become and all the good I will do in the world. I can promise you that. So yes Cancer has changed me but yet I say Thank you! Thank you and Fuck you in the same breath.
One Love,
Crissy